giving me life

My thoughts on the “New Birth Crowns Eddie Long as King” video: 

1. 00:17 - That scroll is NOT over 300 years old. It just isn’t. Nobody in that entire room owns anything 300 years old.
2. 00:39 - Dude says this scroll – rescued from the concentration camps – is priceless. Then he proceeds to tell us how much it costs - $60K.
3. 1:05 - Pull off the foreskin? When have you ever used that phrase outside of a bris?
4. 1:10 - That “Belt of Righteousness” looks suspiciously similar to the safety belt on the Cyclone at Coney Island.
5. 1:36 - I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to touch 300 year old lambskin with your bare hands.
6. I’m very confused by this Jewish preacher right now.
7. 3:12 – We can’t be bestowing royal titles upon dudes with s-curls left and right like this. Jewish Preacher man even said Long had a “king chromosome”. Dear geneticists, please research this.
8. 4:02 – Another lesson in genetics. Man has 22 chromosomes to correspond to the 22 letters in the Hebrew alphabet. Man just added an extra chromosome in there somewhere along the way to be cute I guess. Jewish Preacher would call adding a chromosome “kingly” I bet. Most of us just call it Down’s Syndrome.
9. 4:26 – What is long looking at so hard? Please don’t tell me the Bishop can read 300+ year old Hebrew etched into lambskin.
10. 4:56 – Come ON, son! There’s no way it’s kosher (see what I did there) to wrap a shady black bishop up in an alleged 300+ year old Hebrew scroll purported to contain “God’s government”. NO WAY. The greasiness of Long’s hair alone has got to be 100x worse than touching the scroll with your hand (forbidden). Kings get a pass I guess. Shame on your grandma for giving this mess a standing O.
11. 5:19 – Is this a magic show? I’m hoping that when they open that scroll burrito R. Kelly will appear and start steppin’ in the name of love. It just seems right, ya know?
12. 6:40 – Aw shit! A belt and a scarf! Is this Christmas? I thought Jews didn’t celebrate?
13. 6:50 – I know this must be offensive to a whole lot of somebodies in the Jewish community.
14. 7:14 – I just don’t understand. How did these guys get picked for this “privilege”?
15. 8:08 – Nicole better sang! (not really)
16. 8:51 – At this point, even Long looks confused by what’s happening. Or it’s just gas.
17. 10:15 – How many people are in there witnessing this farce? I bet the collection plate was POPPING!
18. 10:24 – That’s not prayer, that’s a nap.
19. 10:52 – I think it’s hilarious that Jewish Preacher is trying his darndest to get this black ass Atlanta church to sing along with that dry, Christian soft-rock music. Has he even been to a black church before?
20. 11:24 – Silver lining: Long hasn’t said a word the entire time.
21. 12:54 – I hate the lighting guy. I hate the fact they have a lighting guy.
22. 13:03 – Right here, you can see that the scarf Long is wearing has gold glitter on it. Is that supposed to be official Hebrew holy wear? I call shenanigans. Then again, gotta keep it funky. We ARE in Atlanta, people. #ShebySheree
23. 13:43 – Again, me and this lighting guy are going to fight.
24. I wonder… do they refer to the refreshments fellowship following service as the “After Birth”?

(Source: youtube.com)